The Groesbeck's

The Groesbeck's

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Speech Anxiety

Last night I had my once a week speech class. It wasn't the greatest class--let's just say that after class, I cried for 45 minutes straight. No, this isn't going to be a replica of the previous post. Let me tell you why I was crying. I have had many classes at Westminster that have really tried my way of thinking and my beliefs and have made me upset, but I have NEVER had a class that has made me so angry as my speech class. It sounds silly, but I have come home a few times from that class feeling like I could cry because I don't understand the way people think sometimes... I don't know if that makes sense. Last night, and every night we have that class it seems, Mormons are the topic of the class. As far as I can tell, I am the only LDS person in that class. Everyone else, I'm now convinced, hates my religion. Last night in this class comments were made ridiculing everything that "Mormon people do". It was said that "Mormons" aren't good communicators, that we are annoying because we are up in everyones face, that we are boring, that they can't wait until we are the minority here in Utah... I can't even recall all of what was said--it was an enormous amount. The teacher, who says he is Mormon--who also says he will rejoice when Mormons are the minority, agrees with all of the comments, and uses VERY profane language--provokes the topic. He LOVES making fun of LDS members. Loves it. So, switch to me. I'm sitting in my chair listening to all of this conversation--I'm stunned. I'm feeling as though all of my efforts to be friendly and talk to people about what I believe are in vain. I felt the blood boiling in my veins and my hands were literally shaking. One reason I was so upset is because when Mormons aren't being discussed in that class, we are discussing the importance of being kind to everyone and accepting all different people, but as soon as "The Mormons" are brought up, all of that talk seems to disappear. Ok so here is another frustration. I'm usually pretty good at standing against a crowd to tell them what I think or believe. For some reason, I couldn't do it last night. I wanted to so badly, but I was worried that if I started talking I would get too upset, or I would just start crying right there--and goodness I didn't want that. I also felt that I might be attacked by the whole class, and I wasn't sure if I could handle it. That kind of upset me. Basically, I got my feelings hurt over and over again last night. Maybe it is because I respect any religion that is out there. I might not agree with everything they do, and I might not believe what they practice, but I will respect what somebody believes because I would want the same respect in return. Who am I to tell someone what they do or do not believe? Anyways...imagine three hours of ridicule. It's not what I would call exactly fun. I got into my car to go home. As soon as the door shut on me, I cried. I cried to release my anger, frustration and hurt. I sobbed the whole way home and for quite a while when I got home. My husband and I had a long talk about it all, and I eventually felt better.
This is the thing--even though it is so upsetting for me to be in that class sometimes--and even though I will dread going to class every week, I am grateful to be there. It has made my testimony stronger. Funny how that works. I'm in a class full of opposition, but it reminds me that I really DO believe everything I have been taught. What a great feeling.
Now, I'm just trying to build up the courage to say something in class next week. I feel somewhat ashamed because I don't think anyone knows I'm Mormon because I haven't said anything. I think I need to speak up. I need to rid myself of this speech anxiety.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Attacking Schedule

I don't think I have ever felt stretched so thin before. The past two/three weeks have been some of the most difficult for me. I'm wondering why my schedule seems almost unbearable all of a sudden. I have always been good at handling a load of stress, but I haven't been so good at handling it this past week. This is probably just going to be a post of me complaining, so you can stop reading now if you would like...I just need to let it out. Let me give you my schedule:

Monday: I have school from 9-12 and then cycling from 12-1. Then, I'm usually at school for a few more hours to meet with other students for projects/assignments. Then, I'm off to the hospital to get information on the patient that I will be taking care of on Tuesday. I get my information and come home and work on getting my clinical prep form ready for the next morning--due by 7am. This, surprisingly, takes all night.

Tuesday: I have clinicals from 7am-2:30pm. I then get home at three and have a few hours to work on my clinical prep form that has to be all the way finished by Wednesday. This probably doesn't sound bad, but these forms are a beast. This is what I hate most about nursing school. I work on this form until I have to go to school again from 7:30-10:20 that night. I get home, and I'm too exhausted to talk to my husband. I sleep.

Wednesday: I wake up early to go over all of my prep information and am at the hospital by noon. I'm there until 7pm. When I get home, I decide that I need a break. This doesn't last for long though because the stress gets to me and I have to study some more.

Thursday: I finally get to sleep in a little. I am at school by noon and don't leave until 6 or 6:30. I come home and work on my clinical prep AGAIN because I have to turn the final draft in on Friday. We also have a process paper that we have to do. I am going to try and do mine next week--and that will also be due on the friday. This usually ends up being a 20+ page paper. I stay up until midnight trying to finish it.

Friday: I sleep in. When I get up, I hurry to finish everything that is due, and then I turn it in. When that is finished, I come home and sleep because I have to be at work that night at 7pm and work until 7am.

Saturday: I get home from work and I sleep during the day as much as possible to prepare me for the same shift I had the night before. I go to work again at 7.

Sunday: I get home from work and cannot sleep because I need to get ready to go to church. I go to church and come home and sleep. This is the only day for me to spend time with my husband, but I'm too tired. I sleep to get rejuvenated for the coming week and then it starts all over again.

This is how my week has been. Like I said, I have been good at dealing with this in the past, but I cannot seem to handle it very well right now. I think I have cried more these past two weeks than I ever have in a semester of nursing school--that's saying something because school has made me cry a lot. Just yesterday alone, I had about 4 crying episodes. This isn't me. I was up last night at midnight bawling because of all of the burden/weight I was feeling and was planning to stay up late doing homework. Garrett convinced me to just put it all away and go to sleep. I didn't want to, but I did and I'm glad I did. I needed the rest. I have about three more weeks of this schedule before I will see a little light. I probably don't make any sense. I feel that I'm just blabbering on and I'm sorry. I'm just wondering if any of you have felt so overwhelmed that you honestly felt you couldn't handle one more day of it. I feel that I'm at that point, and I need some suggestions on how to keep myself relaxed and motivated to do this for a few more weeks.
I feel pooped.