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Speech Anxiety

Last night I had my once a week speech class. It wasn't the greatest class--let's just say that after class, I cried for 45 minutes straight. No, this isn't going to be a replica of the previous post. Let me tell you why I was crying. I have had many classes at Westminster that have really tried my way of thinking and my beliefs and have made me upset, but I have NEVER had a class that has made me so angry as my speech class. It sounds silly, but I have come home a few times from that class feeling like I could cry because I don't understand the way people think sometimes... I don't know if that makes sense. Last night, and every night we have that class it seems, Mormons are the topic of the class. As far as I can tell, I am the only LDS person in that class. Everyone else, I'm now convinced, hates my religion. Last night in this class comments were made ridiculing everything that "Mormon people do". It was said that "Mormons" aren't good communicators, that we are annoying because we are up in everyones face, that we are boring, that they can't wait until we are the minority here in Utah... I can't even recall all of what was said--it was an enormous amount. The teacher, who says he is Mormon--who also says he will rejoice when Mormons are the minority, agrees with all of the comments, and uses VERY profane language--provokes the topic. He LOVES making fun of LDS members. Loves it. So, switch to me. I'm sitting in my chair listening to all of this conversation--I'm stunned. I'm feeling as though all of my efforts to be friendly and talk to people about what I believe are in vain. I felt the blood boiling in my veins and my hands were literally shaking. One reason I was so upset is because when Mormons aren't being discussed in that class, we are discussing the importance of being kind to everyone and accepting all different people, but as soon as "The Mormons" are brought up, all of that talk seems to disappear. Ok so here is another frustration. I'm usually pretty good at standing against a crowd to tell them what I think or believe. For some reason, I couldn't do it last night. I wanted to so badly, but I was worried that if I started talking I would get too upset, or I would just start crying right there--and goodness I didn't want that. I also felt that I might be attacked by the whole class, and I wasn't sure if I could handle it. That kind of upset me. Basically, I got my feelings hurt over and over again last night. Maybe it is because I respect any religion that is out there. I might not agree with everything they do, and I might not believe what they practice, but I will respect what somebody believes because I would want the same respect in return. Who am I to tell someone what they do or do not believe? Anyways...imagine three hours of ridicule. It's not what I would call exactly fun. I got into my car to go home. As soon as the door shut on me, I cried. I cried to release my anger, frustration and hurt. I sobbed the whole way home and for quite a while when I got home. My husband and I had a long talk about it all, and I eventually felt better.
This is the thing--even though it is so upsetting for me to be in that class sometimes--and even though I will dread going to class every week, I am grateful to be there. It has made my testimony stronger. Funny how that works. I'm in a class full of opposition, but it reminds me that I really DO believe everything I have been taught. What a great feeling.
Now, I'm just trying to build up the courage to say something in class next week. I feel somewhat ashamed because I don't think anyone knows I'm Mormon because I haven't said anything. I think I need to speak up. I need to rid myself of this speech anxiety.

Attacking Schedule

I don't think I have ever felt stretched so thin before. The past two/three weeks have been some of the most difficult for me. I'm wondering why my schedule seems almost unbearable all of a sudden. I have always been good at handling a load of stress, but I haven't been so good at handling it this past week. This is probably just going to be a post of me complaining, so you can stop reading now if you would like...I just need to let it out. Let me give you my schedule:

Monday: I have school from 9-12 and then cycling from 12-1. Then, I'm usually at school for a few more hours to meet with other students for projects/assignments. Then, I'm off to the hospital to get information on the patient that I will be taking care of on Tuesday. I get my information and come home and work on getting my clinical prep form ready for the next morning--due by 7am. This, surprisingly, takes all night.

Tuesday: I have clinicals from 7am-2:30pm. I then get home at three and have a few hours to work on my clinical prep form that has to be all the way finished by Wednesday. This probably doesn't sound bad, but these forms are a beast. This is what I hate most about nursing school. I work on this form until I have to go to school again from 7:30-10:20 that night. I get home, and I'm too exhausted to talk to my husband. I sleep.

Wednesday: I wake up early to go over all of my prep information and am at the hospital by noon. I'm there until 7pm. When I get home, I decide that I need a break. This doesn't last for long though because the stress gets to me and I have to study some more.

Thursday: I finally get to sleep in a little. I am at school by noon and don't leave until 6 or 6:30. I come home and work on my clinical prep AGAIN because I have to turn the final draft in on Friday. We also have a process paper that we have to do. I am going to try and do mine next week--and that will also be due on the friday. This usually ends up being a 20+ page paper. I stay up until midnight trying to finish it.

Friday: I sleep in. When I get up, I hurry to finish everything that is due, and then I turn it in. When that is finished, I come home and sleep because I have to be at work that night at 7pm and work until 7am.

Saturday: I get home from work and I sleep during the day as much as possible to prepare me for the same shift I had the night before. I go to work again at 7.

Sunday: I get home from work and cannot sleep because I need to get ready to go to church. I go to church and come home and sleep. This is the only day for me to spend time with my husband, but I'm too tired. I sleep to get rejuvenated for the coming week and then it starts all over again.

This is how my week has been. Like I said, I have been good at dealing with this in the past, but I cannot seem to handle it very well right now. I think I have cried more these past two weeks than I ever have in a semester of nursing school--that's saying something because school has made me cry a lot. Just yesterday alone, I had about 4 crying episodes. This isn't me. I was up last night at midnight bawling because of all of the burden/weight I was feeling and was planning to stay up late doing homework. Garrett convinced me to just put it all away and go to sleep. I didn't want to, but I did and I'm glad I did. I needed the rest. I have about three more weeks of this schedule before I will see a little light. I probably don't make any sense. I feel that I'm just blabbering on and I'm sorry. I'm just wondering if any of you have felt so overwhelmed that you honestly felt you couldn't handle one more day of it. I feel that I'm at that point, and I need some suggestions on how to keep myself relaxed and motivated to do this for a few more weeks.
I feel pooped.

More Pictures

Wedding Pictures

Here's to my husband.

Liz, I'm actually doing this because you tagged me. Shocking, I know. I'm here to blog again.What is his name?
Garrett Chad Groesbeck. His family has a tradition of naming the first son so that he has the initials G.C.G. So his father, grandfather, etc. all have the same initials. Kind of cool.

How long have you been together?
A long time. We met when I was a freshman in high school. I was fourteen years old. He was a sophmore and we instantly liked each other. We "went out" for a month or two, but things got dramatic and we broke up because of outside forces. We didn't really talk to each other for seven months but we still secretly liked each other a lot. It wasn't until the summer after freshman year that I got a call from Garrett, and we decided to hang out. After that, we were inseparable. We were with each other every waking moment for a little over two years. Then, I broke up with him the beginning of my senior year because I wanted to date more. That lasted about two months before we were back together again. He then left for his mission in March of 2005. We wrote the whole two years, but I had a great time dating others. I wasn't particularly "waiting", but I kept him in mind always. When he got home, things were a bit rocky, but they worked themselves out and we were back together again. We got married on December 13, 2007. So, if you want to count from the first time we laid eyes on each other...it's been about 7 1/2 years.

How long did you date?
If you don't count the mission or our break ups....about 3 years give or take a little.

How old is he?
He just turned 22 on New Years Eve.

Who eats more?
I'm with Liz. It totally depends. Sometimes I out-eat him by a long shot, but I'd say in general he eats more.

Who said I love you first?
I did. I believe I was still 14 years old...maybe 15 when I said it. We were sitting on the front porch at my dads house on a summer night just watching the cars drive by. I remember having a VERY overwhelming feeling in my chest, and I wasn't quite sure what it was. I honestly felt that I couldn't contain this feeling. It was weird, and I haven't felt something quite like that since this moment. All I can say was that it was powerful. I remember sitting there thinking that the feeling was love, and that I loved Garrett. We were so young and I remember feeling really silly mentioning anything to him, but I did. I asked him if I could ask him a question. He said sure. It took me a couple of tries before I could ask, "Do you ever feel that you want to say I love you?" He said yes. So I told him I loved him, then he said it back. It's funny to me when I look back at the situation now. I can't believe we were so young, but we felt such a powerful emotion. But, it was real.

Who is taller?
Well, Garrett is 6'3. He's definitely taller than me!

Who can sing better?
Probably me. Garrett has his good days though.

Who is smarter?
I think we are both smart in different ways. He knows certain things that I have no clue about. And the same goes for me. We are both smart in our own ways.

Who does the laundry?
Basically me. He helps though, but I do it the most.

Who pays the bills?
We are pretty much equal here. But I'm with Liz, I'm way more worried about money than Garrett is.

Who sleeps in the right side?
I sleep on the right side in the bed. Garrett makes me sleep here as a protective measure since his side is closer to the door to the bedroom.

Who mows the lawn?
This is easy. Neither of us do. We unfortunately don't have a lawn.

Who cooks dinner?
It depends. When I'm home before Garrett is, I generally whip something up. But I have come home several times to dinner prepared for me. So...we both do our share.

Who drives?
I love Garrett to drive when we are together, so he usually does.

Who is more stubborn?
Me. DEFINITELY me! Garrett is very easy going and is really relaxed. I wouldn't describe him stubborn at all. I, on the other hand, am very stubborn.

Who kissed who first?
Garrett kissed me first. The very first night that we hung out, he kissed me. Again, I was 14 years old. He and Riley came down to my house to pick me up. We were all going to go to Garrett's house and do something together. Well, when we got there Riley decided that he was out of there. This left Garrett and I alone, and I didn't know what to do because we had never been alone before. It was a cold autumn night and I proposed that we should go on a walk. We did and we got about half way down the first block when Garrett turned and kissed me. I was shocked, but I can't say that I was disappointed :).

Who asked who out first?
I'm with Liz here. We never really "went out". Because I wasn't 16 yet and couldn't go out on dates, we just hung out every day at my dads house. When I finally turned 16, Garrett took me out to Los Hermanos for lunch. I guess that would be our first official date.

Who proposed?
Garrett did. We were at Bear Lake with my family, and Garrett took me on a little walk one night. During the walk he did the whole shabang.

Who has more friends?
We basically have the same friends. Since we have been together for so long, our friends are basically the same. It's nice.

Who is more sensitive?
I don't know. Probably me, but I really don't know. Garrett has a very sensitive side that really I only see. I think we are equally sensitive people.

Who has more siblings?
Hmmm...if you count Garretts half siblings and step siblings, he would have more. But if you only count whole siblings, I have more. Garrett has 2 whole siblings and 2 half siblings. He also has 4 (I think?) step brothers.

Who wears the pants?
Haha...I'd say in general I do. But I don't like this question much either. I like to work things out together so that we both have a say in things.

There you go. There's a little insight into my love live :).